I have some straightforward feedback for most parents I work with. Parenting is a subject I have grown into, studied, am in the practice of becoming an expert on, but it is a subject not an object in my own life. I am the type of professional who doesn’t have to experience something to know about it (eg. many men have delivered babies). I speak with authority and education, not lived experience. My insight comes from the well-rested objectivity that only someone without the relentless responsibility of ‘parent’ can have.
Let me say clearly that I have seen some of the worst examples of parenting, too, so I am not even going to venture into what I hope is obvious: abuse, neglect, addiction, poverty, mental illness, et al. Parenting under any of these conditions requires interventions that are far more important and urgent than sentence structure.
Nevertheless:
1. Stop ending your sentences with “ok?”
If you do nothing else just delete that word from your parenting vocabulary. Is it okay with your kid that they have to go to bed now? Does your kid agree with your decision to leave the park in 5 minutes? It’s not their decision. Parenting is about making choices every day that people will object to. There will be tears and screams and tantrums. You wanted this, remember?
Ok? confuses a kid; it makes them responsible in ways that eventually show up as power struggles — you’ve asked your child every day of their life for their input so why are you surprised when they give it to you!?
And while we are at it, stop ending sentences with right?
Why are people doing this now?! It will require linguistic research beyond my understanding but I can’t stop hearing people ending or truncating their speech, often from a place of authority and expertise, with a right? that is never answered. Are we so traumatized by the proverbial ‘comments section’ that we seek encouragement mid-speech?
2. Talk with your child, not at them.
Parents often send their child into my office to be fixed. Just make them more organized, less angry; more energetic, less sad and when parents engage, usually to complain or vent their frustrations at me, inevitably, their child checks out because they’ve heard it all before.
Parents want answers, explanations — accountability and organization which, inconveniently, even an older teenage brain is still developing in their fragile pre-frontal cortex. Successful (not perfect) parents set limits, hold firm, and sit back for the theatrics, with minimal input.
Parents spend a lot of time talking to their children; either comparing their childhoods (as a way teaching life lessons) or listing all of the ways their child is falling short of their expectations. I am surprised by how many parents don’t take the time to just listen to their child ramble on about whatever interests them. Anime, video games…it’s boring, I suppose. So is hearing about walking to school in the snow or your job.
3. Invest in post-it notes, wall calendars, whiteboards, and activities.
Your child is not organized. They are impulsive and present-tense focused. They care more about what their friends think of them because belonging equals survival. So they need help remembering when their English homework is due, big deal. It’s annoying, I get it. Keep it non-verbal and consistent — a post-it note on their door goes a long way.
A teenager, especially, is in that delicate space of wanting to be treated like an adult and still engage in the activities of a child. Is go-kart racing on the menu? A trip to the mall? Kayaking, fishing, getting ice cream? Engage their inner child and show up as your adult self. Kids are watching you, and pay much more attention to the conversations you have with other people (especially if its about them).
4. Drugs and alcohol are forbidden and will be punished to the fullest extent of the law. **And your precious child will try them regardless. Privately you know that and will not freak out. Your child doesn’t know that. They cannot delineate the grey areas of “just at home,” or “I wont be mad if you get drunk and call me”, or ‘moderation’ as a concrete concept. A firm no tolerance policy is best, and when it inevitably happens, you handle it with love and compassion, and consequences.
5. Your child’s therapist is not on your side. If we are doing our job correctly we (I’ll represent all psychotherapists) are on the side of mental health. Medication, treatment centers, parenting classes — are offered not because we are judging you or criticizing your family. I genuinely want to help everyone I work with to be the healthiest and happiest versions of themselves and understand that parenting is an (ongoing) learning process.
I’m not sure I’m right but I do know it will probably be okay.
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