Why are you so bad at this? That is what I think to myself as I share how I feel on a group text to friends, on family video calls, and even to my partner of many years. Why can’t you hold space for how I feel?
Why am I met with “Get outside!” Or gratitude shaming “It could be so much worse. We’re so fortunate.” Or out right mockery “ Jeez…can’t you read the Comics section of the paper?” At best, a meme that conveys ‘I get it’ but in a funny way that requires no follow up questions.
A patient of mine who lost their spouse recently has shared with me how angry they become by just the look on someone’s face, as they prepare themselves to receive the fumbled apologies or superficial condolences the look indicates. That is why they come to see me.
That is what I essentially do for many of my patients; I hold a space- literally and now electronically- because no one in their life can really listen to them and sit with their sorrow, confusion, anger, et al.
“I pay you to care” is what I sometimes hear. Which is often the source of shame for psychotherapy patients about needing someone like me. What is wrong with me that I have to pay someone to watch me cry? The truth is nothing is wrong with you, we just don’t know how to take care of each other very well and so, as a society, we have outsourced that responsibility to the professionals.
It doesn’t help when experts, highly qualified professionals, go on television and offer ‘insight’ which amounts to nothing more than don’t be too hard on yourself, a mix of mindfulness jargon, and suggestions for how to get in a routine- no wonder ‘Mental Health’ feels aspirational at best and hopeless at worst.
While all well meaning and solid tips- which most people already know to be helpful- none of that can replace the simple yet profoundly effective intervention of just listening to someone telling you how they feel. And then, when they are done, taking a deep breath, and saying “I hear you. That sounds like it hurts.”
No advice. No “Well, at least…” No denying of the problem. No changing the subject.
Just an acknowledgment of what you heard:
“I hear how (angry) you sound” “It seems like you are upset about X” “I know how you feel.” “This is is so hard, of course you feel X.”
It doesn’t make someone take their own life by asking if they are thinking about it. It doesn’t make someone more sad to tell them they seem sad and then asking why. What makes it worse is the isolation people feel when they are brave enough to share their vulnerability and are essentially told “Shhhh, you’re bringing the room down. Don’t be so ungrateful.”
If we are going to get through this pandemic without massive spikes in mental illness and suicide, an army of psychotherapists who struggle to get paid from insurance companies on a good day, or are only available to the affluent who can privately pay their fees, are not going to be enough. Text/on-line versions of therapy and crisis intervention hotlines certainly fill in some of the gaps.
Yet a human being (who is usually a well adjusted member of society and finds themselves in a moment of severe discomfort) mostly needs someone in their life to ask how they are, and then to simply listen to what they have to say. Thus conveying they have been understood and that their pain is valid. That alone can make the difference for someone teetering on the edge of despair.
It is free. You do not have to go on a course to learn how to do it. But you do have to recognize that pain exists AND that you are not responsible for cheering anyone up. Asking and listening to someone’s pain does not mean you are now in charge of reducing their suffering. Paradoxically, by just listening and reflecting back what you hear, you are actually doing just that.
But if I make space for your pain it means I have to recognize my own.
In the face of suffering many people turn away. They cannot tolerate their own discomfort so they try to distance themselves as fast as possible from yours. We distract and deny for as long as possible until someone breaks through the façade with tears or screams. And so we never get anywhere; addictions form, resentments build, people suffer and some hurt so much they decide to give up.
If you feel scared by negative emotions- just say that. If you feel frustrated that someone is sad all the time, admit that you feel helpless. But as a professional, clinically trained to do this, please trust me- mom, friends, anyone who is reading this- being heard, especially when it hurts, is so much better than being told to do more yoga.
**If you need support right now, send this to the people in your life who could be better at making you feel better and then reach out to the Crisis Text Line: US/Canada: text 741741 — UK: text 85258 — Ireland: text 086 1800 2807 and type ‘Home’ in the message. The Crisis Text Line is available to listen.**
Natasha Watkinson, LMHC, NCC is a licensed psychotherapist in the State of Florida, a National Board Certified Counselor, and a Registered Member of the British Association of Counselling and Psychotherapy.
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